Because since my early teens I had to babysit 2 adults in a loveless marriage. My mother is the most vicious human I personally know. She is the definition of a sociopath and narcissist. Every day of my life has felt like being on the receiving end of a Karen’s tantrum. Of course nobody knows about that, because the second a 3rd party like a friend or a stranger enters the situation, she acts like an angel with all the nice smiles and politeness we never get to see. My father is on one hand afraid of her and on the other hand still stuck in the fantasy of having a functioning and traditional family. I can’t leave them alone, because somebody will literally die if I do. We already had arguments where police had to get involved, and guess on which side the police ended up being on? After those particularly bad arguments I literally had to cook my own food or order take-out because I didn’t want to find out what mashed potatoes with fertilizer or rat poison tastes like. I have to be there and act as a witness to every argument because my mother already has shown that she will confidently twist reality to present herself as a victim to authorities. My father isn’t exactly a saint either so she has enough to hold legaly over his head.
My mother has completely ruined any woman’s image in my eyes. You know how most men end up with a woman that resembles their mother? Well, I’m so afraid of this happening that every time I meet another girl my brain goes on high alert looking for any similarities. And I always find some, which completely shuts me down emotionally towards this person. That’s how it’s been all my life. Now I’m to old to be in my first real relationship, because partners expect you to be reasonably well put together and emotionally stable, which I am not. I’ve long accepted my fate of life long loneliness as long I can keep my family drama contained.
I’m what would generally be described as ‘damaged goods’. That’s why I voluntarily keep myself far away from women. On that note though, I’m great with men, I can meet a total stranger and have him belly laughing and inviting me to their birthday party within the first 20 minutes. I treat women exactly the same, but they neither share a man’s humor, nor their common interests. Which works great for me, because I don’t have to show any romantic interest, neither does a woman ever see me in a romantic way. I get along ‘OK’ with women and that’s enough for me to make it through the day. Not that it really matters, as of this writing, the last time I’ve had an eye-to-eye with a woman (excluding cashiers, receptionists or my mother) was maybe a month ago.
It’s not like I’m completely numb to affectionate emotions. I still feel the effects of loneliness and isolation like anybody else would. But well… it is what it is. If anything, I try to educate my married friends on a relationships effect on a child’s development before they decide to have any themselves. Preventing a single child from going through the same shit I have to experience daily, is for me already a life well lived.
If there’s one thing I could say to my younger self it would be ‘I’m sorry this happened to you.’
I’ve tried, but there are multiple reasons.
First, I have literally less than zero money. I’ve been in education almost all my life because people always told me that after [insert degree] you will have infinite options and a good job. Well that doesn’t really work if you’re grades are always shit and you need 9 years for a 6 year degree. Its almost impossible to sell yourself during job hunting if almost every class has a barely passing grade. I also have zero to none work experience. In my country minimum wage is not enough to support yourself, and I don’t qualify for unemployment checks. I’ve tried to find a job with my dogshit engineering bachelor’s for 6 months, 100+ applications, nothing. Starting an apprenticeship pays even less than minimum wave. I’m already falling behind on my masters degree, while hustling on the side. I barely manage living paycheck to paycheck. All this while stuck living in my parents house.
Second, I got nowhere to go. I’m an immigrant, there are no relatives I could go to, all my friends have their own families so I can’t couch surf, renting is to expensive. I would be fine with being homeless, but I got adult responsibilities now, that require residence.
Third, I’ve once been away for a few months, my dad almost cheated on my mom during this time but that’s beside the point. That’s probably the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life (granted it was peak Covid). There were times I haven’t left my dorm for days. I had to apologize to people for my voice cracks, because I’ve literally haven’t spoken a word out loud in days. I do not naturally seek out engagement, neither do people particularly miss my presence. I don’t want to leave because the speck of social life I have is tethered to my family or friends in my city. Sure I get along with strangers fairly well, but it’s all a facade, it’s learned behavior that I picked up through the years so I don’t get punched in the head for looking at somebody the wrong way (I apparently have a very ‘punchable’ face). I’m very carefull who I call a ‘friend’, and even then, the reason my friends are my actual friends is because we don’t talk about topics like this.
My way of living has really thought me to give others the benefit of the doubt, because nobody can ever tell at a glance what going on in a persons life. If somebody is being a dick to me I try not to be a dick back, because I don’t know whats going on behind the curtain. If somebody seems happy, I’m always asking ‘Are they really?’. This way I’ve never had a road rage incident, I’ve never got screamed at twice. I’m really good at disarming conflicts, which is an almost useless skill in day to day life.