Crest beef jerky! Experience the minty flavors of the…fuckin Southwest. Yeehaw!

Weekend at Chase Manhattan.

Rizzo’s discount burial shredding! You dead ‘em, we shred ‘em.

(Sad trombone sound)

This is what we in the industry refer to as a “big oof.”

This sounds like a gag from the Roadrunner cartoon.

“Look it might be a waste of a lock, but I don’t want some vampire kid killing me. Don’t let your last words be, ‘I should have listened to Jeeeeeeff!’”

Let me tell you something. I once had a chance to buy one of those giant ass snickers bars. It was designed by engineers to be eaten as a group activity, but I had a theory I could just eat it, and screw everyone else. I was young at the time, but sometimes youth makes “good” choices that turn out horrible. I didn’t buy that giant bar. I regret it. I regret that I’ll never be able to chonk out. Chonk out like a mad man. No. Now you can’t even buy them any more. What was once a dream, is now ash. What is left to do now? Eat a salad!? WHY DID I MISS MY OPPORTUNITY OH LORD!!!